Lady Friday Read online

  ‘I do know,’ said Arthur grimly. ‘Where are Dr Scamandros and Sunscorch?’

  ‘All Denizens not directly required here have reported back to their proper posts,’ said Dame Primus. ‘As I am here with three Keys and yourself with another, we do not need excessive Denizen-power and there are many other demands upon our resources.’

  ‘I wanted to talk to Dr Scamandros in particular,’ said Arthur. He was vaguely troubled by the absence of Scamandros and Sunscorch, who were friends as well as important allies. Even more important, Dr Scamandros was an Upper House-trained sorcerer, the only one who did not serve Superior Saturday.

  ‘I have sent Dr Scamandros to the Lower House to keep an eye on the Old One, among other things,’ said Dame Primus. ‘There have been some strange occurrences in the Lower Coal Cellar.’

  ‘What about Monday’s Noon and Dusk?’ asked Arthur. ‘Have they gone back to the Lower House too?’

  Dame Primus nodded and looked down at Arthur, arching her long fingers together and looking at him over her sharp nails in a rather unnerving manner.

  ‘There is trouble in every demesne of the House, Lord Arthur. Nithlings of the old-fashioned sort are bubbling out of every crack and crevice in the Lower House. Our efforts to fill in the Pit in the Far Reaches have met with setbacks and there is considerable danger that some parts of it may fall into the void.

  ‘I have not had time to force the Border Sea within its bounds, and Nothing is leaking into the Sea in many places. Needless to say, our efforts to rectify the situation are being thwarted at every turn by the faithless Trustees, notably Superior Saturday. Now we have the Piper in league with them as well.’

  ‘I don’t think he’s in league with the Trustees,’ said Arthur. ‘He thinks he should be the Rightful Heir, not me. He’s as much their enemy as I am.’

  ‘Perhaps,’ said Dame Primus in a doubting tone. ‘In any case, in due course he will be brought to judgment. What we must decide now—’

  ‘I want to know what’s happened to Leaf and my family!’ interrupted Arthur. ‘Then as soon as I can, I want to go home. Even if Mum and Dad don’t know I’ve been gone, I miss them! I miss everyone! And before you get started, I know I can’t stay. I’ll be back to go get the Fifth Key from Lady Friday and do whatever else has to be done, but I … I absolutely have to go home for a visit first.’

  ‘That is not possible at the moment,’ said Dame Primus airily. ‘As of dawn this morning, Superior Saturday has shut down all the elevators in the demesnes of the House that we control, and she has ordered the Front Door shut to us.’

  ‘What? How can she do that?’

  ‘She has the authority,’ said Dame Primus. ‘Unless Lord Sunday countermands her orders, Superior Saturday controls much of the interdemesne operations of the House – including elevators and, to some extent, the Front Door. She has also attempted to shut down the telephones, without complete success, as the operators fall under the authority of the Lower House and the metaphysical wiring under the Far Reaches.’

  ‘I could go home by the Improbable Stair,’ said Arthur slowly. He was unable to stop himself from looking at the ring on his finger. He would have to use the power of the Fourth Key to walk the Stair – and every step he took along that strange way would take him farther away from humanity, even as he walked towards his home.

  ‘I would strongly advise against that,’ said Dame Primus. ‘You have been very fortunate to survive two perambulations on the Improbable Stair. Now let us move on to the agen—’

  ‘Where’s Captain Drury?’ interrupted Arthur. He looked away from Dame Primus and saw the telephone expert already hurrying across the room. As he approached, Drury took the old-fashioned handset out of the wickerwork suitcase that housed the body of the field telephone. The captain handed this to Arthur and started to wind the crank, as the boy said, ‘Get me Sneezer, in the Lower House, please, Captain.’

  ‘As you are too busy to discuss strategic plans, Lord Arthur, I shall go interrogate the Piper’s children,’ said Dame Primus, with a very haughty sniff.

  ‘What?’ asked Arthur, lowering the handset. ‘Which Piper’s children?’

  ‘The ones that are serving here in the Citadel,’ said Dame Primus. ‘The Piper has declared himself our enemy. The children were originally brought to the House by him, for his own purposes. Therefore they are now enemies too and must be judged accordingly.’

  As she spoke, Dame Primus’s tongue briefly forked and turned a sickly green, and her two eyeteeth grew long and pointed, exactly like the fangs of the snake-form that Part Four of the Will had taken.

  Arthur stepped back and his hand instinctively went to the Fourth Key on his belt.

  Dame Primus frowned and took a dainty lace handkerchief out of her sleeve and dabbed at her mouth. When she lowered the handkerchief, the forked tongue and fangs had vanished. She was once more just a very beautiful but stern-looking eight-foot-tall woman.

  ‘Do not be alarmed, Arthur. We are still assimilating the most recent part of our self, and it is inclined to be judgmental. Now, where was I? Oh yes, Piper’s children. I expect that after a quick trial we shall have no choice.’

  Without a moment’s hesitation, Dame Primus proclaimed, ‘Here and everywhere else in the House where we hold sway, all Piper’s children must be executed!’

  Two

  ARTHUR HUNG UP the phone and looked at Dame Primus.

  ‘No Piper’s children are going to be executed,’ he said firmly. ‘Here or anywhere else. The only time the Piper controlled any of them is when he was close enough for his pipe-playing to be heard. Even then, all that happened was they just stopped moving.’

  ‘He could undoubtedly do much more,’ Dame Primus argued. ‘Perhaps even from outside the House. We do not know the extent of his powers. It would be best to simply get rid of the Piper’s children.’

  ‘No!’ shouted Arthur. ‘What’s wrong with you? They’re people! You can’t just kill hundreds or thousands of Piper’s children because the Piper might … just might … make some of them do something.’

  ‘Can’t we?’ asked Dame Primus. She sounded genuinely puzzled.

  ‘No,’ said Arthur. His voice grew deeper and stronger. ‘All Piper’s children are to be released unharmed and restored to their normal jobs and positions. They should be watched, and if … if they do something against us, that’s when they should be locked up – and only locked up, nothing worse!’

  There was a moment’s silence, even the background buzz of talking soldiers absent. Dame Primus inclined her head a fraction of an inch.

  ‘Very well, Lord Arthur. You are the Rightful Heir. It shall be as you wish.’

  ‘Good,’ said Arthur. ‘Now I’m going to call Sneezer and get him to find out what is happening back home.’

  He took the phone again from Captain Drury, who resumed his cranking. The earpiece crackled and hummed, and in the far distance Arthur could hear a stern male voice saying, ‘All telephones are to be cut off by order,’ but that faded as another, softer voice that might be either male or female said, ‘Shut up.’

  ‘I beg your pardon?’ asked Arthur.

  ‘Not you, sorry,’ said the voice. ‘Can I help you?’

  ‘I’d like to speak to Sneezer in Monday’s Dayroom, please.’

  ‘Ooh, you’re Lord Arthur, aren’t you? I could tell because you said ‘please’ again. Everyone’s saying how nice you are.’

  ‘Uh, thanks,’ said Arthur. ‘Could I speak to Sneezer? It really is urgent.’

  ‘Putting you through, Lord Arthur,’ said the operator. ‘Even if old grizzleguts says we’re …

  ’ The operator’s voice faded and Arthur heard a multitude of other, distant voices all speaking at once, overlaid with the stern voice once again ordering that all telephones be cut off. Then there was silence for several seconds. Arthur was about to ask Captain Drury what was going on when the familiar voice of Sneezer sounded out in the air, not out of the phone.

 
; ‘Monday’s Dayroom, Sneezer here.’

  ‘It does that sometimes, sir,’ whispered Drury.

  ‘It’s Arthur, Sneezer.’

  ‘Good day to you, Lord Arthur.’

  ‘Sneezer, I want you to look through the Seven Dials. I need to find out what’s happened to Leaf and my family, and the general situation back at my home. Can you do that, please?’

  ‘I can, sir. Indeed, at the behest of Dr Scamandros I have already looked through, the doctor being desirous of finding out if any Nothing residue of the Skinless Boy remained.’

  ‘What did you see?’ asked Arthur. ‘It’s still Thursday there, right?’

  ‘No, Lord Arthur. It is Friday.’

  ‘Friday! If the Skinless Boy was destroyed on Thursday … I’ll have been missing overnight. My parents must be freaking out!’

  ‘To be exact, Friday a week from the Thursday on which Miss Leaf embarked on her action against the Skinless Boy.’

  ‘A week! You mean I’ve been missing on Earth for a week?!’

  ‘I believe that is so, sir. Dr Scamandros has suggested that the destruction of the Skinless Boy created a minor fracture of the temporal relationship between you and the Secondary Realm in which you normally reside.’

  ‘My parents must think … What’s happened to my mum and dad?’

  ‘I regret to inform you, Lord Arthur, that while your father is safe – though reluctantly engaged in being driven very long distances in a bus and stopping at night to play music with an ensemble named after rodents – it appears that your mother is not currently in your own Secondary Realm—’

  ‘What?’ croaked Arthur. His throat felt suddenly choked and dry. ‘Where is she? Who … how …’ ‘There is great disturbance in your world, Lord Arthur,’ said Sneezer. His voice was getting fainter. ‘A number of mortals have been taken elsewhere within the Secondary Realms. I think your mother is among that group, though it is possible that not all the disappearances have been effectuated by the same agency. It is not at all clear who is responsible, though the natural assumption would be Lady Friday, since the disappearances appear to have occurred on that day.’

  Arthur forced himself to be calm, to try to think, not just panic. But the panic was bubbling up inside him. He wanted to just shut his eyes and fade out until someone else took care of everything. But someone else wasn’t going to take care of him, or his mother, or anything …

  He took two breaths that were not as deep as he wanted them to be, though it was shock and fear affecting his lungs, not his usual asthma. He didn’t suffer from asthma in the House.

  ‘Find out where Mum is … where they all are,’ he ordered Sneezer. ‘Get Dr Scamandros on it. Get anyone who can help to … to help. Oh – what about Leaf? Is she okay?’

  ‘I believe Miss Leaf is one of the abducted mortals,’ said Sneezer carefully. His voice was very faint now, as if the telephone was a long way from his mouth. ‘One of the main group of abductees, that is to say. Though in her case she might have chosen to go along. I couldn’t get a clear view of the proceedings; there was an opacity resulting from some opposing power. However, it appeared—’

  ‘Get off!’ said the operator suddenly, over the top of Sneezer’s voice. ‘No, I’m not coming down the line … Get off! Stop it! Ah! Help! It’s got my foot – pull me back, lads! Heave!’

  A whole host of voices joined in then, shouting and screaming, and whatever Sneezer was saying was lost. Then there was a deafening howl, as if someone had trod on the tail of an extremely large and unfriendly wolf, and the handset crumbled into dust in Arthur’s hands, leaving him holding a single wire that let out a small and pathetic spark before he hastily dropped it.

  ‘We have to find my mum,’ said Arthur.

  ‘Your destiny does not include a mortal family,’ Dame Primus declared. ‘As I have said before, you should shake off those minor shackles. As I understand it, your parents are not blood relations, in any case.’

  ‘They’re my parents,’ Arthur protested. He had long since got used to being adopted, but there was still some sting in the Will’s words. ‘Emily and Bob love me, and I love them. I love all my family.’

  ‘That is a mortal invention,’ said Dame Primus. ‘It is of no use in the House.’

  ‘What?’ asked Arthur.

  ‘Love,’ Dame Primus answered, her lips twisted in distaste. ‘Now, Lord Arthur, I really must insist that we attend to at least the most significant items of the agenda. I have reordered it as you requested.’

  ‘I requested?’ Arthur’s voice was vacant, since he was still in shock. He’d tried so hard to protect his family. Everything he’d done had been to keep them out of things. But it hadn’t worked. Superior Saturday had threatened to use the Skinless Boy to take his place, to erase their minds so they forgot the real Arthur. Since that hadn’t worked, maybe now Friday or Saturday had kidnapped his mum … Arthur’s mind raced as he tried to get a grip on the situation.

  ‘At our meeting in Monday’s Dayroom,’ said Dame Primus. ‘Before you were drafted. Do pay attention, Lord Arthur.’

  ‘I’m thinking,’ snapped Arthur. ‘Captain Drury, do you have a spare phone? I have to get Sneezer on the line again. And Dr Scamandros.’

  ‘Arthur, this is not—’

  Dame Primus got no further, as two of Arthur’s Legionary guards suddenly grabbed him and pulled him back, and two more jumped in front of him and locked their shields with an almighty crash. The embodiment of the Will leaped back too, and all over the room there was the sudden whine of savage-swords and the acrid, ozone smell of lightning-charged tulwars as everyone drew their weapons.

  Arthur couldn’t even see what his guards had reacted to, until he stood on tiptoe and looked over the locked shields to see that someone had appeared only a few feet in front of where he’d been standing.

  That someone was a tall, slight female Denizen clad in a very unmilitary flowing robe made of thousands of tiny silver strips that chinked as she moved. Over that beautiful garment she wore a thick leather apron, with several pockets out of which protruded the wooden handles of weapons or perhaps tools. This strange ensemble was completed by the silver branch she held in her right hand, from which a dozen small cylindrical fruits of spun gold hung suspended, tinkling madly as half a dozen Denizens threw themselves upon her.

  ‘I’m a messenger!’ she shouted. ‘A herald! Not an assassin! Look, I’ve got an olive branch!’

  ‘Looks more like a lemon branch,’ said the Legionary Decurion as he twisted it out of the Denizen’s grasp. He looked over at Arthur. ‘Sorry, sir! We’ll have her out of here in a moment!’

  ‘I’m an emissary from Lady Friday!’ shouted the silver-robed Denizen, who could hardly be seen amid the scrum of soldiers. ‘I insist on an audience with Lord Arthur!’

  ‘Wait!’ Arthur and Dame Primus called out at the same time.

  The Legionaries stopped dragging the sudden visitor away, though they kept a very firm grip on her.

  ‘Who are you?’ demanded Dame Primus at the same time that Arthur asked, ‘How did you get here?’

  ‘I’m Emelena Folio Gatherer, Second Grade, 10 218th in precedence within the House,’ declared the Denizen. ‘I have been sent as a herald to Lord Arthur, with a message from Lady Friday, who sent me here through her mirror.’

  ‘Through her mirror?’ asked Arthur, as Dame Primus said, ‘What message?’

  Arthur and Dame Primus looked at each other for a long moment. Finally the embodiment of the Will lowered her chin very slightly. Arthur turned back to Emelena.

  ‘What mirror?’

  ‘Lady Friday’s mirror,’ said Emelena. She added hesitantly, ‘Am I correct in assuming that I address Lord Arthur?’

  ‘Yes, I’m Arthur.’

  Emelena mumbled something that Arthur correctly thought was about expecting him to be taller, more impressive, have lightning bolts coming out of his eyes, and so on. Ever since someone in the House had written a book about Lord Arthur, every De
nizen he’d met had been disappointed by his lack of heroic stature and presence.

  ‘Lady Friday’s mirror,’ asked Arthur. ‘It can send you anywhere within the House and the Secondary Realms?’

  ‘I don’t know, Lord Arthur,’ replied Emelena. ‘I’ve never been sent anywhere before. Usually I’m a senior page collator of the Guild of Binding and Restoration in the Middle House.’

  ‘Friday’s mirror is known to us, Lord Arthur,’ said Dame Primus through pursed lips. She looked around the room, then pointed to a highly polished metal shield that was one of the trophies hung on the wall. ‘Someone take that shield down and put it in the dark.’

  She paused to watch several Denizens dash forward to carry out her orders, then continued, ‘Friday’s mirror is akin to the Seven Dials in the Lower House. Powered by the Fifth Key, she can look out or send Denizens through any mirror or reflective surface, provided she has been there before herself by more usual means. Which does make us wonder when and why Lady Friday has come here before to meet with Sir Thursday. However, what is of most importance now is the message Lady Friday sends. I trust it is her unconditional and total surrender?’

  ‘After a fashion,’ said Emelena. ‘I think. Perhaps.’

  This time, Arthur was silent, while Dame Primus drew in her breath with an all-too-snakelike hiss.

  ‘Shall I tell you the message?’ asked Emelena. ‘I’ve got it memorised.’

  ‘Go ahead,’ said Arthur.

  Emelena took a deep breath, clasped her hands together, and without looking directly at Arthur or Dame Primus, began to speak a little too fast and without emphasising the punctuation, though she did stop every now and then to draw breath.

  greetings lord arthur from lady friday trustee of the architect and mistress of the middle house i greet you through my mouthpiece who is to deliver my words exactly as i have spoken them knowing full well that you seek the fifth key and will stop at nothing to get it as saturday and the piper will likewise do

  and in the interest of a quiet life pursuing my own researches into aspects of mortality i have decided to abdicate as mistress of the fifth house and leave the key for whomsoever might find it and wield it as he or she sees fit